Tired of the games…

Well I have been in this game with another manager for 18 years. I was nothing but a glorified counter girl to start with…(their words). I battled my way up working long hard hours. (Not their thang…yes I said thang). I am now a manager at the main location. And they are still a manager of the same location they were at when I started.

Now as I have managed this location I have regularly been verbally abused by the other manager. And the owner has repeatedly told me “You need to work with this manager “We are a team, all 3 of us.”

So I try and I help this manager out. Over and over I am nice and do what I can. Heck I have even defended this person to the owner. I have called and given them suggestions to help them out with getting the owner not mad at them any more.

But I am now at my limit. (I know why did it take 18 years…another story altogether) After this last time yelling at me on the phone…playing dumb with the owner about it…then coming into the store I manage and playing sweet and nice saying “I am sorry BUT YOU must have misunderstood me. I was just asking a simple question.” I have to say after the first 5 words I was ready to kill and the more they spoke the angrier I got. And then the following week something they wasn’t supposed to repeat…via the owner…he repeated. Now I didn’t rat them out at first…but then they decided to come into the store I managed and speak to the employees I manage about something that I had conveyed to them the day before saying “I need to hear it directly from the horses mouth.” I have to admit I came unglued.

I went to the owner and said “I am done” “they came into my store basically calling me a liar and started quizzing my employees.” ” it is bad enough that they told an hourly employee (about last week) and they told their mom (who works at my store) and now she is mad at other employees about something that wasn’t supposed to get back to them.”

Well the owner was mad that they were disrespected on that last part. Told me I over reacted on the first part. (my opinion because it didn’t disrespect the owner) and it would be handled.

Yeah like all the other times over the past 18 years has been handled.

I have always told the owner about my mistakes up front so it doesn’t come back on me later. The owners know everyone in town so…but I forget the other manager is not as open and honest so when I say things like “I made so and so happy they will be back” the owner usually asks what are you talking about or he plays along and says remind me of that one again…all the while knowing what the other manager is about.

Any ways, so this manager posts a little story on a social media site…I get wind of it by someone that sees their feed and sends it to me. Basically it is a little story and siblings and a dad…the owner is younger than them and older than me… and how I manipulate the owner and that I am evil and they are innocent of all things.

So being done with the games I basically finally stood up for myself. I said ” I will no longer be party to the games this person is playing. I will have only text conversations with them (group only including the owner). That I have always been honest and forthcoming. If they come into my location I will make sure someone else is present to witness any conversations”

I will not be accused of telling lies or misrepresentation of a situation or words spoken or attitude given with such words.

And if no one is around but me when they show up…I have a record app that will be on and recording.

Now they can fire me for refusing to have verbal phone communication with the other manager. And they still can. I know that I am much more valuable to the company but I am not sure what they see. And I am fine with it if they do. It will be their loss. I will land on my feet. I also feel that I shouldn’t have to be subjected to the games I am subjected to. I have dealt with it for 18 years. I have worked my way up! I am a very hard worker! So I do know my value.

I AM DONE WITH THIS SHIT!

GAMES BEING PLAYED ON ME ARE DONE!

I AM NOT A PANSY AND WILL NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH!

I STRONG WILLED WOMAN!

SO TRY ME NOW!

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Keep your head up…

I have busted my butt for many many years. I love the company I work for and live my job. But, sometimes you but your butt for a company and they take advantage or neglect to even notice all the hard work you do for them. I have been with this company for 18 plus years…and I generally just let things slide and roll off my back but recently I was compared to another manager just like myself within the company as we were equals and I stood up for myself saying that we were not equals although we are both part of the same team. And we are…we are all part of a big team. But my knowledge about our industry and abilities within our industry is far greater than that of the other manager and I stated this. 

I am not trying to be arrogant. Although it usually doesn’t go over well when a woman stands up and states that her worth is greater than she is being given credit for. I know my self worth although I do not normally say anything I feel that I should stand up for myself.

I was right! 

The owner is finally taking notice. Confidence is all people need. It took a lot for me to actually say anything. For years I have been told how I was as good as other people and although I knew that I was better than some I was afraid to say anything. I didn’t want to seem arrogant or cocky. I didn’t say anything with attitude or anger. I was confident and matter of fact about what I said. Like he should have known. It has helped and I am even happier at my job than I was before. I didn’t think that could happe. But it has.

You have to stand up for you! If you don’t then know one else will. 

Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse. 

I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.

I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:

  • Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
  • When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
  • Does anyone really care about me?
  • Who can I trust? 
  • Who am I?
  • Who will remember me when I am gone?

I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think. 
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended). 

I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again. 

Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression. 

Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain. 

I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal. 

Life after a Hysterectomy 

It has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. It has been a very interesting 6 months. 

First I have no more pain. That is awesome! Plus my energy went up. Hot flashes are down. Iron levels back to normal. Cost of female products are way down. 

Bladder issues…well they are not super bad. But I have more issues with the sneezing or coughing. If I get sick I must wear a panty liner. 

Now down to what a lot of you are wondering…

Sex…

Well it was very uncomfortable the first time. When the doctor says to use lots of lubricant…they mean it. You need to use it. But try to make sure it isn’t the heated kind the first time back at it. Burns like hell! Lol 

My concern at first was (besides the burning of the heated lube) I felt nothing. No pain of any kind. Which is very unusual. (At least for me) So when there was no pain I wondered if I would ever enjoy it without concern for ripping any stitches or disconnecting and places that were tacked into place. 

It took a little time for me to feel comfortable enough to relax enough to enjoy it but it happened. Sex is now ok and very enjoyable again. I am very grateful for a loving and patient husband. He was very supportive through everything!

The never ending menstrual cycle…

So I am peri menopausal and life has thrown me some curve balls. Not sure where to begin. It has been a while since I posted.

Last fall I realized I was going into the peri menopausal stage in my life and I was excited. I was so ready to not have my period for months at a time if not ever again. 

Mother Nature had other plans for me. I am not sure why except for me to share my story with others. 

May 20th started alike any other cycle I have ever had. Some spotting and then the next day the Flo began. But this time it didn’t stop at day 4-7. It just continued on like I had not had one in years. But because I was going through peri menopause I did not freak out. But at about day 30 I put a call into my Dr in hopes to have a brief conversation with her. This to me is very personal and I didn’t want a tag team call after call going on and I did relay that when I left the message for her to call me back. But I got a call back from someone I did not know. I again strongly expressed my need to talk directly to my doctor. I was told that was not possible and I hung up and cried. 

So I just figured I have an appointment at the end of July I would just struggle through it until then.

On day 55 I called back and talked to a nurse that I knew and told her that I wanted the doctor to add a couple of tests to the bloodwork I was already having don’t the week before my appointment. All of my hormone levels and my iron level. I was an emotional wreck having had some form of bleeding wether it was spotting or a going through an extra absorbant pad every hour with only 1 day off now in days shy of 2 months. 

She granted the iron test (which came back as me being anemic-shocker)  but not the hormones and referred me to a specialist. This is where it gets more interesting. Now that appointment isn’t until August 9th. But I did get a 2 week reprieve at day 60. But then it started all over again. 

I was not just anemic but on the verge of needing a blood transfusion anemic. That shocked me. What has shocked everyone is what I do and how many hours I worked during these times. I am a manager at a dry cleaners  and it was a very long hot summer. We had people that got other jobs and some that had no choice but to leave us to take care of loved ones. But in between hiring new people and training them I was working positions for those on vacations. Temps in the pressing areas can get and were for most of the summer upwards of 100 to 115 degrees. We have fans at every station and we supply cold bottled water for everyone. Plus I work on average 12-14 hours a day Monday through Friday. And I never passed out. I felt like it a bunch of times but somehow I just kept telling myself that I am the manager I cannot lol weak to my employees or my boss no matter what. So I would smile and keep moving.

Then I finally made it to the specialist appointment. I was ready and I had researched this and had my plan all set out. Or so I thought…

There are so many options out there for people that have a mentrual cycle that lasts for a long time especially if you are no longer planning to have children. That increases your options. But these options not for everyone.

The IUD is great if you no longer wish to have a period. With this option you could have the IUD removed if you do wish to have children again. For me this was not an option. My mother has had breast cancer and people with close family members that have had breast cancer or cervical cancer or ovarian cancer are not good candidates for this option. HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or any options that include hormones increases your odds of getting cancer as well. So this was ruled out very quickly for me.

Ablagation … This option is where the inside lining of the uterus is burned. There are a couple of ways to achieve this.  This option was ruled out for me because my uterus was too large from my 3 previous births. 

So I was left with hysterectomy. Where they remove the uterus and Fallopian tubes. Sometimes the cervix is removed as well. I had all but the ovaries removed. There is the surgical where the give you a pretty good scar opening you wide up to do the work. Takes a long time to recover from this. Laparoscopic which reduces the healing time and the scar. This is where they inflate your abdominal cavity with a gas to make the visibility better for the doctor. A few small incisions for the tools and a camera. I had this but was robotic assisted. Called davinci hysterectomy.

I must say that my recovery was much quicker and easier than I ever imagined. It was outpatient surgery. Within 2 days I was no longer taking my pain medications. Within a week I felt awesome. Although the hard part is…you feel great but you still have limitations. You cannot be doing any heavy lifting and for the recovery to fully take you have to abide by this rule. If you don’t it could spell trouble for you now or maybe even later down the road. This part has been very hard for me. But I have been obeying this rule because I cannot afford any setbacks…I am a workaholic you see. 

Life happens…

So my intentions were  to do this blog and I will finish the peri menopause list because I am actually living it. But to be completely honest I work between 60 and 70 hours a week Monday through Friday. I do have my weekends off but I need to let my husband know that I exist. Lol

Right now a day in my life is like a roller coaster for me. I do not know what is coming next. (Don’t get me wrong I love roller coasters and no one knows what is coming next)  What I am talking about is how I might react today to something will not be the way I act to the same thing tomorrow.  

Today I was out of my mind…I mean it was like watching someone I didn’t know. Then I think to myself is this what I have become? This angry emotional crazy person??? 

This transition has been very rough. I have been doing my research and have come up with a plan for myself. After I finish the symptoms I will let you know what my plan is. 

I wrote this a little over 7 months ago and here it sat in my draft section. 

And it has not gotten much easier the past 7 months. I will explain on next post.

Peri Menopause Hell!

Did you know there were 35 symptoms of peri menopause?  Let’s go through them shall we…this will take several blogs but we can go through this together…

Hot Flashes… Or hot flushes, night sweats or cold flashes with clammy feeling. Can’t really win either way here. I work in a dry cleaners so to avoid hot places would be impossible. I have recently been asked regularly “are you ok your cheeks are quite red”. Sad thing is I didn’t realize that my menopause was showing. Didn’t even realize I was heading into Peri menopause. 

Irregular heart beat… I had my hypo thyroid medicine increased recently so when my heart beat was off I just attributed it to the medicine and moved on. Nice to know it could have been more than that. 

Irritability…well now that could have been due to when my regular cycle was supposed to happen but when it continued myself as well as my employees was wondering what my major malfunction was. I was truly baffled as to why everything was irritating the heck out of me. I am usually a happy go lucky type of person.

Mood swings, sudden tears… I have been crying without a reason. That really irritates me. Admittedly I do cry when I  sad and I cry when I get super mad but to cry for no reason…UGH! So frustrating. When I am at work I go and hide in the bathroom until I am done and have not cried long enough for my eyes not to look puffy. I cry a lot when I take a shower and I have no idea why. 

Trouble sleeping through the night…I really didn’t much of this one until I really thought about it. I used to sleep through the night with no issues. I now wake up around 3-4 am. I have been doing this for a few months. Very frustrating because it does take me a bit to get back to sleep just to have to wake right back up.

Irregular periods… Now this gives it all away. I keep a calendar of my menstrual cycles. It was steady 21-23 days for many years. Then I was 9 days late and regular for a while. Then haywire late then early then way late…never knowing is awful!

Loss of Libido…not sure if this is effecting me or not. My libido has always been all over the place. I enjoy it after it really gets going just not always up for the getting it going part. So that really hasn’t changed a whole lot. I have always wished I could have a higher libido for my husbands sake! 

Now this is the first 7 of the 35 signs. This will be taking a few blogs to go over them all.  There is a lot to cover.

I am researching what I/women can do naturally to help with the symptoms and see if any of them actually works… for me anyways. Every woman is different.