Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse. 

I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.

I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:

  • Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
  • When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
  • Does anyone really care about me?
  • Who can I trust? 
  • Who am I?
  • Who will remember me when I am gone?

I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think. 
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended). 

I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again. 

Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression. 

Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain. 

I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal. 

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Life after a Hysterectomy 

It has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. It has been a very interesting 6 months. 

First I have no more pain. That is awesome! Plus my energy went up. Hot flashes are down. Iron levels back to normal. Cost of female products are way down. 

Bladder issues…well they are not super bad. But I have more issues with the sneezing or coughing. If I get sick I must wear a panty liner. 

Now down to what a lot of you are wondering…

Sex…

Well it was very uncomfortable the first time. When the doctor says to use lots of lubricant…they mean it. You need to use it. But try to make sure it isn’t the heated kind the first time back at it. Burns like hell! Lol 

My concern at first was (besides the burning of the heated lube) I felt nothing. No pain of any kind. Which is very unusual. (At least for me) So when there was no pain I wondered if I would ever enjoy it without concern for ripping any stitches or disconnecting and places that were tacked into place. 

It took a little time for me to feel comfortable enough to relax enough to enjoy it but it happened. Sex is now ok and very enjoyable again. I am very grateful for a loving and patient husband. He was very supportive through everything!