I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse.
I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.
I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy.
Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:
- Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
- When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
- Does anyone really care about me?
- Who can I trust?
- Who am I?
- Who will remember me when I am gone?
I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think.
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended).
I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again.
Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression.
Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain.
I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal.