Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse. 

I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.

I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:

  • Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
  • When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
  • Does anyone really care about me?
  • Who can I trust? 
  • Who am I?
  • Who will remember me when I am gone?

I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think. 
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended). 

I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again. 

Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression. 

Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain. 

I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal. 

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3 thoughts on “Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

  1. Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through all that. It’s very brave of you to share such a personal post. I hope you’ll feel better about everything, and you find the reassurance you need. I would recommend seeing your gp and telling them how you feel, maybe they can provide some sort of help. Stay strong, best wishes x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your wishes. I tried to keep it pretty impersonal not saying what it was/is I am go by through: I do not wish to just pop a pill to not feel anymore. I worry that they would want to do that. Doctors tend to just prescribe pills to fix feelings and I want to learn to deal with my feelings and emotions not pop a pill to not feel them. If I could afford therapy I would definitely go that route.

      Like

      • Hmmm yes I understand, although I think maybe you should give it a go. They could give you a referral to an affordable therapist if you explain to them everything you are going through. And at the end of the day it’s your choice whether you take up anything they offer you.

        Liked by 1 person

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