Insecurity and Self Doubt

I have had a lot of things going on in my life. Work and home. I have remained strong for the most part. I have a lot of self doubt. And that is all on me. I try not to let others know how insecure I am. Sometimes it takes over and I think the worst of others and what they are thinking of me. I am trying to be a mentor and guide for others and it makes me feel like a failure when I think that I am not good enough to even be a mentor. I know I have a lot of knowledge to give but I keep getting knocked down and made to feel like I am incompetent. It is hard when the people you trust and look up to are the ones knocking you down and talking to you like you are stupid and have no idea what you are doing.

We all have moments of weakness and self doubt and insecurity. It is how we deal with it. I have recently been under a greatly increased amount of scrutiny in my job. I am trying to deal with it in a positive manner but have become very worried. It seems to me that they are telling me that everything I am doing is not good enough. I put in 12-14 hours a day Monday through Friday for many years now. I have given up my life for this company. And for the longest time I was praised at how well I was doing a great job and just needed to continue doing what I was doing. Then something changed and I was all of the sudden no longer doing anything right.

I have taken some time off over the past couple of months. Which is when all of his comments started. I have been dealing with employee shortages and people quitting and not showing up or calling in sick and all of those things without him knowing details for a very long time. He had to deal with it for 2 days here and 3 days there…(he would text me almost all day on at least one of those days off complaining about my staff). So I really didn’t get to take any time off because he wouldn’t leave me alone long enough to spend time with my family.

His comments were worded just so that I have come to think he was going to fire me. Or worse try to make me quit by forcing some issues with me. I have a strong personality and so does he and for years that has led to a great collaboration us. At this point it has become a bit of a power struggle. I had an employee that left me 2 times. The second time he left it was right after I went to bat for him to get a raise. (and he got it) He then puts in his notice right after. And this was the second time. On his last days he would not be respectful addressing myself or the owner. Calling him buddy after he was told that the owner did not like being called that. Another manager hired him back after myself and the owner was against it. I have repeated stated that he is an awesome young man. He is great with the customers and he is a very likable young man. I have also stated that I do not wish to have him back at my location. He is not loyal to me and has stated that he wants my job. The owner has stated that he wants to put him at my store and that he has grown a lot while he has been gone. He is now married and is now more grown up. That being said. He is not loyal to me having left me twice now and the second time right after a raise.  I want people that are loyal to me in my employ.

The owner put in my store on my last two days of vacation and the people on my payroll got their hours cut in the process. This does not make me less paranoid about him trying to out me. But I am not sure how to deal with this. Go in and be honest or just go with the flow and not say anything. I have a hard time not standing up for myself and what I do not want but this is a touchy subject with him. So I have a decision to make.

I have enlisted the help of a close friend and coworker to help me streamline all of what I do to make the owner happy again. It doesn’t seem to be working but I know I am not horrible at what I do. I am pretty darn good at what I do. So I have to figure out what the owner is saying…looking between the lines…

  • Why is he looking so hard to find something wrong?
  • What is going on in his world to cause his mood change?
  • What is going on in the business to cause his nervousness about the smallest of details in my store?
  • Is there anything I can do to relieve him of some of this stress?
  • How is his personal life?

Well he has had some issues in his family that has caused him some stress. The company has purchased another piece of property that the company now needs to make payments on. He is part of a 3 person incorporated ownership…so he does have others he has to answer to. All I can do is keep running my store and do it the best I can and take his advice to heart and try to make sure that all of his suggested that can be implemented are implemented as quickly as possible.

Now I do have a lot of insecurity that I am making the owner happy like he was just a few short months ago (where he was saying that I was awesome). And I am not sure if I will have a job for much longer. I cannot seem to make him happy about anything but… I have been doing this since 1994. I have spent the majority of my life in this industry. And more that 18 years with this company. And I still have a lot to learn. And I have a lot of self doubt that I can continue with this company that now seems to no longer appreciate the time and effort I have put into making it what it is. I made this my life. Big mistake on my part for sure. I have always had a need to prove my worth with long hours and extra stuff. Doing more and more and more…

I have decided to spend less time at work. And only give what I can without losing myself in the process. This will be very difficult since I have made my job who I am. I have to go on a search of who I am and figure that out. But first I have to stop working so much to figure that out.

Do only what you can because the extra really isn’t appreciated in the long term.

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Tired of the games…

Well I have been in this game with another manager for 18 years. I was nothing but a glorified counter girl to start with…(their words). I battled my way up working long hard hours. (Not their thang…yes I said thang). I am now a manager at the main location. And they are still a manager of the same location they were at when I started.

Now as I have managed this location I have regularly been verbally abused by the other manager. And the owner has repeatedly told me “You need to work with this manager “We are a team, all 3 of us.”

So I try and I help this manager out. Over and over I am nice and do what I can. Heck I have even defended this person to the owner. I have called and given them suggestions to help them out with getting the owner not mad at them any more.

But I am now at my limit. (I know why did it take 18 years…another story altogether) After this last time yelling at me on the phone…playing dumb with the owner about it…then coming into the store I manage and playing sweet and nice saying “I am sorry BUT YOU must have misunderstood me. I was just asking a simple question.” I have to say after the first 5 words I was ready to kill and the more they spoke the angrier I got. And then the following week something they wasn’t supposed to repeat…via the owner…he repeated. Now I didn’t rat them out at first…but then they decided to come into the store I managed and speak to the employees I manage about something that I had conveyed to them the day before saying “I need to hear it directly from the horses mouth.” I have to admit I came unglued.

I went to the owner and said “I am done” “they came into my store basically calling me a liar and started quizzing my employees.” ” it is bad enough that they told an hourly employee (about last week) and they told their mom (who works at my store) and now she is mad at other employees about something that wasn’t supposed to get back to them.”

Well the owner was mad that they were disrespected on that last part. Told me I over reacted on the first part. (my opinion because it didn’t disrespect the owner) and it would be handled.

Yeah like all the other times over the past 18 years has been handled.

I have always told the owner about my mistakes up front so it doesn’t come back on me later. The owners know everyone in town so…but I forget the other manager is not as open and honest so when I say things like “I made so and so happy they will be back” the owner usually asks what are you talking about or he plays along and says remind me of that one again…all the while knowing what the other manager is about.

Any ways, so this manager posts a little story on a social media site…I get wind of it by someone that sees their feed and sends it to me. Basically it is a little story and siblings and a dad…the owner is younger than them and older than me… and how I manipulate the owner and that I am evil and they are innocent of all things.

So being done with the games I basically finally stood up for myself. I said ” I will no longer be party to the games this person is playing. I will have only text conversations with them (group only including the owner). That I have always been honest and forthcoming. If they come into my location I will make sure someone else is present to witness any conversations”

I will not be accused of telling lies or misrepresentation of a situation or words spoken or attitude given with such words.

And if no one is around but me when they show up…I have a record app that will be on and recording.

Now they can fire me for refusing to have verbal phone communication with the other manager. And they still can. I know that I am much more valuable to the company but I am not sure what they see. And I am fine with it if they do. It will be their loss. I will land on my feet. I also feel that I shouldn’t have to be subjected to the games I am subjected to. I have dealt with it for 18 years. I have worked my way up! I am a very hard worker! So I do know my value.

I AM DONE WITH THIS SHIT!

GAMES BEING PLAYED ON ME ARE DONE!

I AM NOT A PANSY AND WILL NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH!

I STRONG WILLED WOMAN!

SO TRY ME NOW!

Keep your head up…

I have busted my butt for many many years. I love the company I work for and live my job. But, sometimes you but your butt for a company and they take advantage or neglect to even notice all the hard work you do for them. I have been with this company for 18 plus years…and I generally just let things slide and roll off my back but recently I was compared to another manager just like myself within the company as we were equals and I stood up for myself saying that we were not equals although we are both part of the same team. And we are…we are all part of a big team. But my knowledge about our industry and abilities within our industry is far greater than that of the other manager and I stated this. 

I am not trying to be arrogant. Although it usually doesn’t go over well when a woman stands up and states that her worth is greater than she is being given credit for. I know my self worth although I do not normally say anything I feel that I should stand up for myself.

I was right! 

The owner is finally taking notice. Confidence is all people need. It took a lot for me to actually say anything. For years I have been told how I was as good as other people and although I knew that I was better than some I was afraid to say anything. I didn’t want to seem arrogant or cocky. I didn’t say anything with attitude or anger. I was confident and matter of fact about what I said. Like he should have known. It has helped and I am even happier at my job than I was before. I didn’t think that could happe. But it has.

You have to stand up for you! If you don’t then know one else will. 

Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse. 

I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.

I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:

  • Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
  • When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
  • Does anyone really care about me?
  • Who can I trust? 
  • Who am I?
  • Who will remember me when I am gone?

I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think. 
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended). 

I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again. 

Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression. 

Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain. 

I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal. 

Life after a Hysterectomy 

It has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. It has been a very interesting 6 months. 

First I have no more pain. That is awesome! Plus my energy went up. Hot flashes are down. Iron levels back to normal. Cost of female products are way down. 

Bladder issues…well they are not super bad. But I have more issues with the sneezing or coughing. If I get sick I must wear a panty liner. 

Now down to what a lot of you are wondering…

Sex…

Well it was very uncomfortable the first time. When the doctor says to use lots of lubricant…they mean it. You need to use it. But try to make sure it isn’t the heated kind the first time back at it. Burns like hell! Lol 

My concern at first was (besides the burning of the heated lube) I felt nothing. No pain of any kind. Which is very unusual. (At least for me) So when there was no pain I wondered if I would ever enjoy it without concern for ripping any stitches or disconnecting and places that were tacked into place. 

It took a little time for me to feel comfortable enough to relax enough to enjoy it but it happened. Sex is now ok and very enjoyable again. I am very grateful for a loving and patient husband. He was very supportive through everything!

The never ending menstrual cycle…

So I am peri menopausal and life has thrown me some curve balls. Not sure where to begin. It has been a while since I posted.

Last fall I realized I was going into the peri menopausal stage in my life and I was excited. I was so ready to not have my period for months at a time if not ever again. 

Mother Nature had other plans for me. I am not sure why except for me to share my story with others. 

May 20th started alike any other cycle I have ever had. Some spotting and then the next day the Flo began. But this time it didn’t stop at day 4-7. It just continued on like I had not had one in years. But because I was going through peri menopause I did not freak out. But at about day 30 I put a call into my Dr in hopes to have a brief conversation with her. This to me is very personal and I didn’t want a tag team call after call going on and I did relay that when I left the message for her to call me back. But I got a call back from someone I did not know. I again strongly expressed my need to talk directly to my doctor. I was told that was not possible and I hung up and cried. 

So I just figured I have an appointment at the end of July I would just struggle through it until then.

On day 55 I called back and talked to a nurse that I knew and told her that I wanted the doctor to add a couple of tests to the bloodwork I was already having don’t the week before my appointment. All of my hormone levels and my iron level. I was an emotional wreck having had some form of bleeding wether it was spotting or a going through an extra absorbant pad every hour with only 1 day off now in days shy of 2 months. 

She granted the iron test (which came back as me being anemic-shocker)  but not the hormones and referred me to a specialist. This is where it gets more interesting. Now that appointment isn’t until August 9th. But I did get a 2 week reprieve at day 60. But then it started all over again. 

I was not just anemic but on the verge of needing a blood transfusion anemic. That shocked me. What has shocked everyone is what I do and how many hours I worked during these times. I am a manager at a dry cleaners  and it was a very long hot summer. We had people that got other jobs and some that had no choice but to leave us to take care of loved ones. But in between hiring new people and training them I was working positions for those on vacations. Temps in the pressing areas can get and were for most of the summer upwards of 100 to 115 degrees. We have fans at every station and we supply cold bottled water for everyone. Plus I work on average 12-14 hours a day Monday through Friday. And I never passed out. I felt like it a bunch of times but somehow I just kept telling myself that I am the manager I cannot lol weak to my employees or my boss no matter what. So I would smile and keep moving.

Then I finally made it to the specialist appointment. I was ready and I had researched this and had my plan all set out. Or so I thought…

There are so many options out there for people that have a mentrual cycle that lasts for a long time especially if you are no longer planning to have children. That increases your options. But these options not for everyone.

The IUD is great if you no longer wish to have a period. With this option you could have the IUD removed if you do wish to have children again. For me this was not an option. My mother has had breast cancer and people with close family members that have had breast cancer or cervical cancer or ovarian cancer are not good candidates for this option. HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or any options that include hormones increases your odds of getting cancer as well. So this was ruled out very quickly for me.

Ablagation … This option is where the inside lining of the uterus is burned. There are a couple of ways to achieve this.  This option was ruled out for me because my uterus was too large from my 3 previous births. 

So I was left with hysterectomy. Where they remove the uterus and Fallopian tubes. Sometimes the cervix is removed as well. I had all but the ovaries removed. There is the surgical where the give you a pretty good scar opening you wide up to do the work. Takes a long time to recover from this. Laparoscopic which reduces the healing time and the scar. This is where they inflate your abdominal cavity with a gas to make the visibility better for the doctor. A few small incisions for the tools and a camera. I had this but was robotic assisted. Called davinci hysterectomy.

I must say that my recovery was much quicker and easier than I ever imagined. It was outpatient surgery. Within 2 days I was no longer taking my pain medications. Within a week I felt awesome. Although the hard part is…you feel great but you still have limitations. You cannot be doing any heavy lifting and for the recovery to fully take you have to abide by this rule. If you don’t it could spell trouble for you now or maybe even later down the road. This part has been very hard for me. But I have been obeying this rule because I cannot afford any setbacks…I am a workaholic you see. 

Life happens…

So my intentions were  to do this blog and I will finish the peri menopause list because I am actually living it. But to be completely honest I work between 60 and 70 hours a week Monday through Friday. I do have my weekends off but I need to let my husband know that I exist. Lol

Right now a day in my life is like a roller coaster for me. I do not know what is coming next. (Don’t get me wrong I love roller coasters and no one knows what is coming next)  What I am talking about is how I might react today to something will not be the way I act to the same thing tomorrow.  

Today I was out of my mind…I mean it was like watching someone I didn’t know. Then I think to myself is this what I have become? This angry emotional crazy person??? 

This transition has been very rough. I have been doing my research and have come up with a plan for myself. After I finish the symptoms I will let you know what my plan is. 

I wrote this a little over 7 months ago and here it sat in my draft section. 

And it has not gotten much easier the past 7 months. I will explain on next post.