Insecurity and Self Doubt

I have had a lot of things going on in my life. Work and home. I have remained strong for the most part. I have a lot of self doubt. And that is all on me. I try not to let others know how insecure I am. Sometimes it takes over and I think the worst of others and what they are thinking of me. I am trying to be a mentor and guide for others and it makes me feel like a failure when I think that I am not good enough to even be a mentor. I know I have a lot of knowledge to give but I keep getting knocked down and made to feel like I am incompetent. It is hard when the people you trust and look up to are the ones knocking you down and talking to you like you are stupid and have no idea what you are doing.

We all have moments of weakness and self doubt and insecurity. It is how we deal with it. I have recently been under a greatly increased amount of scrutiny in my job. I am trying to deal with it in a positive manner but have become very worried. It seems to me that they are telling me that everything I am doing is not good enough. I put in 12-14 hours a day Monday through Friday for many years now. I have given up my life for this company. And for the longest time I was praised at how well I was doing a great job and just needed to continue doing what I was doing. Then something changed and I was all of the sudden no longer doing anything right.

I have taken some time off over the past couple of months. Which is when all of his comments started. I have been dealing with employee shortages and people quitting and not showing up or calling in sick and all of those things without him knowing details for a very long time. He had to deal with it for 2 days here and 3 days there…(he would text me almost all day on at least one of those days off complaining about my staff). So I really didn’t get to take any time off because he wouldn’t leave me alone long enough to spend time with my family.

His comments were worded just so that I have come to think he was going to fire me. Or worse try to make me quit by forcing some issues with me. I have a strong personality and so does he and for years that has led to a great collaboration us. At this point it has become a bit of a power struggle. I had an employee that left me 2 times. The second time he left it was right after I went to bat for him to get a raise. (and he got it) He then puts in his notice right after. And this was the second time. On his last days he would not be respectful addressing myself or the owner. Calling him buddy after he was told that the owner did not like being called that. Another manager hired him back after myself and the owner was against it. I have repeated stated that he is an awesome young man. He is great with the customers and he is a very likable young man. I have also stated that I do not wish to have him back at my location. He is not loyal to me and has stated that he wants my job. The owner has stated that he wants to put him at my store and that he has grown a lot while he has been gone. He is now married and is now more grown up. That being said. He is not loyal to me having left me twice now and the second time right after a raise.  I want people that are loyal to me in my employ.

The owner put in my store on my last two days of vacation and the people on my payroll got their hours cut in the process. This does not make me less paranoid about him trying to out me. But I am not sure how to deal with this. Go in and be honest or just go with the flow and not say anything. I have a hard time not standing up for myself and what I do not want but this is a touchy subject with him. So I have a decision to make.

I have enlisted the help of a close friend and coworker to help me streamline all of what I do to make the owner happy again. It doesn’t seem to be working but I know I am not horrible at what I do. I am pretty darn good at what I do. So I have to figure out what the owner is saying…looking between the lines…

  • Why is he looking so hard to find something wrong?
  • What is going on in his world to cause his mood change?
  • What is going on in the business to cause his nervousness about the smallest of details in my store?
  • Is there anything I can do to relieve him of some of this stress?
  • How is his personal life?

Well he has had some issues in his family that has caused him some stress. The company has purchased another piece of property that the company now needs to make payments on. He is part of a 3 person incorporated ownership…so he does have others he has to answer to. All I can do is keep running my store and do it the best I can and take his advice to heart and try to make sure that all of his suggested that can be implemented are implemented as quickly as possible.

Now I do have a lot of insecurity that I am making the owner happy like he was just a few short months ago (where he was saying that I was awesome). And I am not sure if I will have a job for much longer. I cannot seem to make him happy about anything but… I have been doing this since 1994. I have spent the majority of my life in this industry. And more that 18 years with this company. And I still have a lot to learn. And I have a lot of self doubt that I can continue with this company that now seems to no longer appreciate the time and effort I have put into making it what it is. I made this my life. Big mistake on my part for sure. I have always had a need to prove my worth with long hours and extra stuff. Doing more and more and more…

I have decided to spend less time at work. And only give what I can without losing myself in the process. This will be very difficult since I have made my job who I am. I have to go on a search of who I am and figure that out. But first I have to stop working so much to figure that out.

Do only what you can because the extra really isn’t appreciated in the long term.

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Peri Menopause Hell!

Did you know there were 35 symptoms of peri menopause?  Let’s go through them shall we…this will take several blogs but we can go through this together…

Hot Flashes… Or hot flushes, night sweats or cold flashes with clammy feeling. Can’t really win either way here. I work in a dry cleaners so to avoid hot places would be impossible. I have recently been asked regularly “are you ok your cheeks are quite red”. Sad thing is I didn’t realize that my menopause was showing. Didn’t even realize I was heading into Peri menopause. 

Irregular heart beat… I had my hypo thyroid medicine increased recently so when my heart beat was off I just attributed it to the medicine and moved on. Nice to know it could have been more than that. 

Irritability…well now that could have been due to when my regular cycle was supposed to happen but when it continued myself as well as my employees was wondering what my major malfunction was. I was truly baffled as to why everything was irritating the heck out of me. I am usually a happy go lucky type of person.

Mood swings, sudden tears… I have been crying without a reason. That really irritates me. Admittedly I do cry when I  sad and I cry when I get super mad but to cry for no reason…UGH! So frustrating. When I am at work I go and hide in the bathroom until I am done and have not cried long enough for my eyes not to look puffy. I cry a lot when I take a shower and I have no idea why. 

Trouble sleeping through the night…I really didn’t much of this one until I really thought about it. I used to sleep through the night with no issues. I now wake up around 3-4 am. I have been doing this for a few months. Very frustrating because it does take me a bit to get back to sleep just to have to wake right back up.

Irregular periods… Now this gives it all away. I keep a calendar of my menstrual cycles. It was steady 21-23 days for many years. Then I was 9 days late and regular for a while. Then haywire late then early then way late…never knowing is awful!

Loss of Libido…not sure if this is effecting me or not. My libido has always been all over the place. I enjoy it after it really gets going just not always up for the getting it going part. So that really hasn’t changed a whole lot. I have always wished I could have a higher libido for my husbands sake! 

Now this is the first 7 of the 35 signs. This will be taking a few blogs to go over them all.  There is a lot to cover.

I am researching what I/women can do naturally to help with the symptoms and see if any of them actually works… for me anyways. Every woman is different.