Insecurity and Self Doubt

I have had a lot of things going on in my life. Work and home. I have remained strong for the most part. I have a lot of self doubt. And that is all on me. I try not to let others know how insecure I am. Sometimes it takes over and I think the worst of others and what they are thinking of me. I am trying to be a mentor and guide for others and it makes me feel like a failure when I think that I am not good enough to even be a mentor. I know I have a lot of knowledge to give but I keep getting knocked down and made to feel like I am incompetent. It is hard when the people you trust and look up to are the ones knocking you down and talking to you like you are stupid and have no idea what you are doing.

We all have moments of weakness and self doubt and insecurity. It is how we deal with it. I have recently been under a greatly increased amount of scrutiny in my job. I am trying to deal with it in a positive manner but have become very worried. It seems to me that they are telling me that everything I am doing is not good enough. I put in 12-14 hours a day Monday through Friday for many years now. I have given up my life for this company. And for the longest time I was praised at how well I was doing a great job and just needed to continue doing what I was doing. Then something changed and I was all of the sudden no longer doing anything right.

I have taken some time off over the past couple of months. Which is when all of his comments started. I have been dealing with employee shortages and people quitting and not showing up or calling in sick and all of those things without him knowing details for a very long time. He had to deal with it for 2 days here and 3 days there…(he would text me almost all day on at least one of those days off complaining about my staff). So I really didn’t get to take any time off because he wouldn’t leave me alone long enough to spend time with my family.

His comments were worded just so that I have come to think he was going to fire me. Or worse try to make me quit by forcing some issues with me. I have a strong personality and so does he and for years that has led to a great collaboration us. At this point it has become a bit of a power struggle. I had an employee that left me 2 times. The second time he left it was right after I went to bat for him to get a raise. (and he got it) He then puts in his notice right after. And this was the second time. On his last days he would not be respectful addressing myself or the owner. Calling him buddy after he was told that the owner did not like being called that. Another manager hired him back after myself and the owner was against it. I have repeated stated that he is an awesome young man. He is great with the customers and he is a very likable young man. I have also stated that I do not wish to have him back at my location. He is not loyal to me and has stated that he wants my job. The owner has stated that he wants to put him at my store and that he has grown a lot while he has been gone. He is now married and is now more grown up. That being said. He is not loyal to me having left me twice now and the second time right after a raise.  I want people that are loyal to me in my employ.

The owner put in my store on my last two days of vacation and the people on my payroll got their hours cut in the process. This does not make me less paranoid about him trying to out me. But I am not sure how to deal with this. Go in and be honest or just go with the flow and not say anything. I have a hard time not standing up for myself and what I do not want but this is a touchy subject with him. So I have a decision to make.

I have enlisted the help of a close friend and coworker to help me streamline all of what I do to make the owner happy again. It doesn’t seem to be working but I know I am not horrible at what I do. I am pretty darn good at what I do. So I have to figure out what the owner is saying…looking between the lines…

  • Why is he looking so hard to find something wrong?
  • What is going on in his world to cause his mood change?
  • What is going on in the business to cause his nervousness about the smallest of details in my store?
  • Is there anything I can do to relieve him of some of this stress?
  • How is his personal life?

Well he has had some issues in his family that has caused him some stress. The company has purchased another piece of property that the company now needs to make payments on. He is part of a 3 person incorporated ownership…so he does have others he has to answer to. All I can do is keep running my store and do it the best I can and take his advice to heart and try to make sure that all of his suggested that can be implemented are implemented as quickly as possible.

Now I do have a lot of insecurity that I am making the owner happy like he was just a few short months ago (where he was saying that I was awesome). And I am not sure if I will have a job for much longer. I cannot seem to make him happy about anything but… I have been doing this since 1994. I have spent the majority of my life in this industry. And more that 18 years with this company. And I still have a lot to learn. And I have a lot of self doubt that I can continue with this company that now seems to no longer appreciate the time and effort I have put into making it what it is. I made this my life. Big mistake on my part for sure. I have always had a need to prove my worth with long hours and extra stuff. Doing more and more and more…

I have decided to spend less time at work. And only give what I can without losing myself in the process. This will be very difficult since I have made my job who I am. I have to go on a search of who I am and figure that out. But first I have to stop working so much to figure that out.

Do only what you can because the extra really isn’t appreciated in the long term.

Advertisements

How I became a strong woman! 

It starts as a young girl. I am not sure if I baca me a tomboy because of my young trama or if I was a tomboy before. I only have a few vivid memories of my young childhood. Most of those are not of the good kind. A funny memory…I was about 4-5 and my mom was sitting in a chair and I had snuck some celery to eat(yes I lived vegetable from a very young age and had them with me at all times in my pocketbook…don’t judge lol) and I started eating it behind her chair and I couldn’t figure out how my mom new I was even back there. Lol

But more on the strength training… 

When I was about 8 I was orally molested by my uncle. I told my mom but I was young and when she didn’t do anything about it I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt alone.

When I was about 9 I was walking home from the park and some guy stopped and was asking me if I knew where someone was and I walked up to the car and told him that I didn’t know anyone by that name and he had his junk out and stroking it…I ran away. 

Growing up being told I can’t do something because I was small and a girl I was always like watch me. I wanted to do everything that would make me be noticed and not in a girly way. I am still this way for the most part. Don’t tell me I can’t or I will.

When I was about 15 I was walking home from GitNGo I was pulled into an alley by a couple of African American males…and was raped. I went home and showered for hours. Got in trouble for using all of the hot water. I did not say anything because I didn’t feel it would do me any good.

When I was 16 I was very very lucky! A young guy was asking for directions and I was giving it to him and he offered me a ride to my street on his way to where he was headed. I got into the vehicle…he didn’t stop at my street as we drove by and I kept telling him to stop…there was a light up ahead and I got so lucky that there were cars in all of the lanes and he had to stop. I made my way out of the car and ran!!!  I got in trouble for forgetting the milk and for getting into the truck. 

I got in trouble a lot for things I really didn’t do. Or I did but had reason that was never heard. Two examples… 1. I didn’t like my boyfriend chewing tobacco so he signed and dated the bottom of a can and gave it to me because he was trying to quit for me. My mom found out from a friend who’s daughter went to school with me that I was chewing tobacco. I brought home the can to show her and she called me a liar and that I was grounded even longer for having someone sign and date the can just before bringing it home.             2. My sister used to bring her boyfriends in the house when the parents were not home and one night I got tired of listening to them doing whatever it was they were doing in there. I left and went over 1 block away and was sitting on the front porch fully clothed when mom got home and came looking for me. My sister denied it and I got grounded. So I was relying on myself a lot. I was anarexic for a while in high school wearing baggy shirts and controlling what went into my body…it was the only control I had. One of my teachers was very instrumental in my recovery. 

When I was 16 almost 17 my mother signed for me to get married. I guess she really did want to get rid of me. Any ways he was very abusive. At one point I tried to commit suicide but it didn’t work and I had to drink this nasty charcoal stuff. I took a mini break and went and visited my grandmother. When I came home I kept trying to call for a ride but the line was busy. I took a cab home and walked in. He had a whore in my bed. I took his wallet paid the cabby and took his keys and bailed. 7 months and back home. With a lot more rules I might add.

On my 18th birthday I was home all day at about 7pm a friend called and asked what I was doing. I said nothing because there was nothing going on at my house no party no nothing. So I went out with my friends. I crashed and found a way to make it home and to work the next morning on time. She called me at work and told me because I was out all night she had to show an example to the rest of the kids that it would not be tolerated … I had 2 days to get my shit and move out. She had it packed for me and sitting at the front door. I slept on park benches and with friends. My boyfriend knew this older gentleman that needed a live in helper so I took that. He was a very sweet guy. I finally got a job as a nurses aid at nursing home and was helping the older guy after my shift. Until one day the police showed up at my job. I was being accused of stealing from the older gentleman. My boyfriend had set me up. So I was out on the street again. After a few days a friend at work let me stay with her. On one of those days where she had to work and I was at home with her children her ex husband was also there hanging out. Nothing happened but she came home and her brain got the better of her. Back out again….but he offered to let me stay with him. Before long that was well….he expected other forms of payment. I had no where to go. 

My dad with I really had t had a relationship offered to let me stay there but of course rules applied. I don’t mind rules but I do not like being treated like Cinderella. I lived there with my dad his wife, my 1/2 brother and 2 step brothers. I was to do all the laundry and the dishes and get dinner started and clean the house. I needed a job but had no car to get a job. My dad had a 72 mustang out back that needed a motor. He said it was mine. I could have it I just needed to get a job and put a motor in it. My step sister took me to put in applications. She was my only way out of that house. My step mom got onto me for not doing things right. She just didn’t seem to like me. And by the end the feeling was mutual. I get that I was there rent free but I am no ones slave girl. Those boys had no chores what so ever because I was there to do it all. So I left and went to stay with my sister.

Well now that is not the best of ideas. You see I dated her husband before she started dating him and got married. He wanted to stay up and hang out with me and she didn’t like that so back to my moms again with lots more rules. Mind you I am not even 19 yet so all of this is happening over about 6-9 months. 

So I find a guy and get married again right after I turn 19. He is from Michigan. I am thinking fresh new start. Happy and all is good. His grandmother in grand lake loved me and she was very sweet. When we made it to his mothers house. She took one long up and down look at me looked at him and said how dare you bring white trash into my home. Needless to say we did not get along. His dad was great! This husband was also abusive. Physically and emotionally. He let his mom talk to me however she wanted and never stood up for me even after our daughter was born. At some point I gave him an ultimatum you touch me one more time in anger and we are done. And of course he did…no another one bites the dust. 

I was back in Missouri at this point with 2 children. I started seeing a guy I met in Michigan. And he would fly me and the kids up there every 6-8 weeks. My daughter would see her grandparents and I would stay with him. After about a year of this I begged him not to send me back to Missouri. I needed to be there with him. He sent me back and I felt totally rejected and alone. I fell into a depression and started up with my neighbor. When my Michigan man came for me I wanted to go with him. I was dying inside because my neighbor had my two children in his place and threatened to kill them and the Michigan guy if he came to the door. So I told him I didn’t want to be with him any more and to go back to Michigan. He said he would be at a hotel for a few days if I changed my mind. All I could think about was how to grab the kids and get there. But I wasn’t allowed to make a move. I felt so bad. But I made my choices. And I paid the price and he deserved to be able to move on and be happy. 

So now I am with psycho and that would be 5 years of torture. The only good that came out of that was my baby boy. This man was abusive physically mentally and emotionally. He was bipolar with paranoid schizophrenia. When he was medicated he was fine but he missed those highs but I did not miss those lies that follow. This man accused me of cheating with every guy I came a crossed. Come to find out he was the one cheating. He threatened my life and my holders lives. He cost me the life of a child I was pregnant with before my baby. I thought I was free of him a few times and his mother would bring him back and leave him on my doorstep. “He is crying for you and he loves you make it work!” I gave and I gave and it just wasn’t going to work. I finally summoned up the courage to leave and file a restraining order. He ended up finding me and he came to see his son… He raped me in the bathroom but the kids were right outside and even though I was telling him no I wasn’t screaming or making a big scene but I meant no. I moved and was never alone with him again. So another one gone.

What is wrong with me that no man truly loves me! Why am I not good enough to be loyal to? I gave everything of myself and I mean everything. It was exhausting! I am a people pleaser I don’t like people to be upset with me. I was truly down to absolutely no esteem left. I wondered why I was even born. My mom didn’t want me she signed me away as soon as she could. The men set me up for stealing, raped, molested and cheated on me. What was wrong with me?????

I was wrong with me. I wasn’t demanding the respect I deserved. I was being walked on by everyone around me family included. I was determined that no other man would ever do me that way again. I put everything I had into my career. I did not want to ever depend on a man again for anything. When I started seeing the man that would become my next husband I told him up front. I am a bitch…my family is crazy, loud and dysfunctional….I have 3 kids and my career means everything to me. I let him know up front what he was getting into so he could back out before anything started.

Through it all I got back up and tried again and in the end was not defined by someone else but by my perseverance to keep moving forward. My kids needed their mom and a good role model. I am still working hard and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. Although my kids are now adults and out on their own now. 

Just don’t give up on yourself when everyone else has. You have something to give whether you know what it is yet or not. You are special!!!