Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse. 

I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.

I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:

  • Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
  • When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
  • Does anyone really care about me?
  • Who can I trust? 
  • Who am I?
  • Who will remember me when I am gone?

I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think. 
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended). 

I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again. 

Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression. 

Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain. 

I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal. 

Peri Menopause Hell!

Did you know there were 35 symptoms of peri menopause?  Let’s go through them shall we…this will take several blogs but we can go through this together…

Hot Flashes… Or hot flushes, night sweats or cold flashes with clammy feeling. Can’t really win either way here. I work in a dry cleaners so to avoid hot places would be impossible. I have recently been asked regularly “are you ok your cheeks are quite red”. Sad thing is I didn’t realize that my menopause was showing. Didn’t even realize I was heading into Peri menopause. 

Irregular heart beat… I had my hypo thyroid medicine increased recently so when my heart beat was off I just attributed it to the medicine and moved on. Nice to know it could have been more than that. 

Irritability…well now that could have been due to when my regular cycle was supposed to happen but when it continued myself as well as my employees was wondering what my major malfunction was. I was truly baffled as to why everything was irritating the heck out of me. I am usually a happy go lucky type of person.

Mood swings, sudden tears… I have been crying without a reason. That really irritates me. Admittedly I do cry when I  sad and I cry when I get super mad but to cry for no reason…UGH! So frustrating. When I am at work I go and hide in the bathroom until I am done and have not cried long enough for my eyes not to look puffy. I cry a lot when I take a shower and I have no idea why. 

Trouble sleeping through the night…I really didn’t much of this one until I really thought about it. I used to sleep through the night with no issues. I now wake up around 3-4 am. I have been doing this for a few months. Very frustrating because it does take me a bit to get back to sleep just to have to wake right back up.

Irregular periods… Now this gives it all away. I keep a calendar of my menstrual cycles. It was steady 21-23 days for many years. Then I was 9 days late and regular for a while. Then haywire late then early then way late…never knowing is awful!

Loss of Libido…not sure if this is effecting me or not. My libido has always been all over the place. I enjoy it after it really gets going just not always up for the getting it going part. So that really hasn’t changed a whole lot. I have always wished I could have a higher libido for my husbands sake! 

Now this is the first 7 of the 35 signs. This will be taking a few blogs to go over them all.  There is a lot to cover.

I am researching what I/women can do naturally to help with the symptoms and see if any of them actually works… for me anyways. Every woman is different.