Depression or Feeling Sorry for Yourself?

I have been through a lot in my childhood and in my adulthood. I hold it together pretty good for the most part. Instead it was n a good face for family and friends and customers. I have moments where I just can’t hold it in anymore and I blow a fuse. 

I have posted my stories on sites labeled depression and places like that. But I get yelled at by some for feeling sorry for myself and needing validation.

I have some moments where I get super depressed and moments where I feel as though I need to make sure my feelings are not out in left field…so yeah I guess validation that I am human and not crazy. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking things like:

  • Would anyone miss me if I just kept driving?
  • When you any of my children care if I just went into this other lane and ran head on into this other vehicle coming towards me?
  • Does anyone really care about me?
  • Who can I trust? 
  • Who am I?
  • Who will remember me when I am gone?

I do a lot of thinking: so to quiet my head I watch tv, get on my phone, listen to nonsense until I go to sleep (just so I can get to sleep). Yes think on my way to work and my way home from work. I try to stay busy with anything so I don’t think. 
When I think to much I cry myself to sleep or cry at work, or cry while I am driving (not Reccomended). 

I am very sad inside. When it surfaces its ant easy to get it under wraps again. 

Now when I research depression I have the symptoms. I don’t like to self diagnose but I cannot afford to go to a therapist. Although I believe I need therapy as well as family therapy for myself husband and children.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. That is part of the sadness and depression. 

Now I do not know how everyone else that cannot afford a therapist deals with depression…but I do a really good fake it 90% of the time. If you ask my customers they will tell you that I am always awesome. My children could care less…as long as I don’t tell them how I truly feel about their choices in life. I am a people pleaser and hate it when people are upset with me. I appease people at the risk of my own internal pain. 

I am almost 50 and have a ton of internal pain. I really need to find a way to let it all out without the backlash that can make a person suicidal. 

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Politics….should not be a bad reference.

The political season is upon us and I for one am tired of being a pawn in their smear campaigns. I don’t even know what they stand for unless I go online and research it. Because all they do is bad mouth each other on the commercials. I DVR and rush through the commercials because I do not want to hear it. They waist millions of not more on tv!!! (No one wants to see that) You would think they would have gotten that by now. But sadly for all of us they have not.

Our country was built on honesty. The people we put into office should be trusted. But it has become so corrupt. We need to get rid of all of them. Start over and make a few more rules for those in office.

1) Term limit for all politicians. No more than 2 terms for any person in office. Too much time in office appears to make for complacent and lazy. And the longer in office seem to be more easily bought off and are less concerned for the people they represent.

2) No more lobbyist. That is very very corrupt. Politicians make so much side money that what we pay them means nothing. They are not voting the way we would want them to because they pay more. 

3) Bring to the people what you want to vote on in session. Advertise the issues and let us decide and then vote our way and if you don’t you get ousted immediately. Remember you are there to represent your people not yourself. We should actually think about popular vote on all items and reduce the amount of politicians on the payroll.

4) No more earmarks on any bill. The bill is only about one subject and nothing gets put in there about any other subject. That shit is rediculous!! Tricky and wrong on so many levels. I cannot believe you have gotten away with this shit for so long!!!

5) NO MORE NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNS! We are so sick and tired of hearing the bad things about your opponent. How about only clean campaign. Win it on what you stand for. Not what bad thing your opponent might have done 10 years a ago. I do not care. What do you stand for. Where do you stand on important issues. 

6)  When you leave office … You leave office. We do not continue to pay you for the rest of your life. Go back to work and become a part of the regular civilian population again. It is expected of our military that see ungodly things in order to protect all of us so why not the politicians as well. 

7) Your pay is to be based on your productivity while in office. How many votes did you attend? You only get paid for those you attend. How many days were you in your office working? You only get paid for those days you actually work. Maybe more work for the people will happen if this was in place now. The people would be amazed at how many politicians actually showed up for every vote on bills that takes place. 

8) No more divisions… In other words …no more democrats or republicans or independents. How about “you were hired by the people and you stand for the people that you represent of the United States. Not the divided states.”

We should be a united country with different opinions. Which we are all entitled to. And the most popular opinion wins on each item up for vote. 

These rules should apply to all offices from town to city to state to country. From mayors to representatives to senators to president. Every aspect of running this country. 

This would be my wish for this country to move forward for the people not the big companies that run it now. 

Oh and to run this country you should be born in this country and have served this country in some fashion. And serving in the military should trump all else with an honorable discharge of course.

Thank you to all who have served and are serving currently. You are all awesome and I for one appreciate what you have done and are doing to protect myself as well as everyone else in this country!!!! You are the heroes!!!!

Workaholic 

I am (admittedly) a workaholic. I do love my job and there never seems to be enough hours in the day. You see I manage a dry cleaners. Now the first half off my day consists of getting the items due that day cleaned, pressed, inspected, bagged and put into place. Now while I am trying to make sure that is all happening with a nice flow I get interrupted… Not always a bad thing but can get a little like this…

I am bagging an order of say 12 pieces… Which takes 3 to 4 bags normally…I get one group bagged I have a phone call…while on that call I have 2 to 3 employees asking me questions…after the call is over I have a customer wanting to talk to me in the lobby…done with customer and an employee needs me to come and look at their press something isn’t right…done with that the owner wants to ask me a question in the office…I am coming down from there and the Libby is full of customers so I help get them waited on and on their way…done and come back to start bagging again to find that for the past hour no one else has bagged one item. So joe the bagging line is much much longer. 

Now not everyday is like this but more often than not I get pulled in 5 different directions at the same time. I love the challenge but I do have to gather my thoughts sometimes. Which is hard because even if I run to the bathroom real quick it never fails that as soon as I get in there I hear…” Kim, are you in there? You have a customer in the lobby waiting for you.” Lol

Now for the last part of my day is where I do all the little things that the customers pay extra for me to do personally. Yes, I am good at what I do…but if my dry cleaner was more customer friendly and patient he could do some of it and at times I have given items to him with specific details as to how I wanted them done for him to do it his way anyways. He is good at what he does. His patients isn’t always there for spotting in items. We both read care labels and sometimes you cannot go by the care label. And I won’t go by the care label if I know that there is a chance that something attached to the item could be damaged by the process. I will use an alternate process. If I feel any process will harm the item I will make a call to the customer and discuss the different processes and let them make the call they would like for me to do. 

Now I get to work at about 6:30 am and most of the time I don’t get out until at least 7:00 pm at the earliest. I am trying to train others in what I do and show them the exact reason as to how I decide on the process to take with each item.  This is an art. And I am great at it. But I also make mistakes like every one. I have gotten rushed and made rash decisions that cost me in the end. But my record is far better because I take the time needed on every piece I touch. Most items are easy and you can make a split decision on them but when they have anything attached either by glue or sewing makes an item much more difficult to clean properly. And care labels will often say excluding embellishments  (Which really cannot be removed) or they are mislabeled completely. Leaving the dry cleaner the one to blame for any errors made. 

I care so much about retaining and making our thousands of customers happy I get lost in time in the afternoon trying to get everything done that I have on my plate. 

Now I love my family very much! I work hard to make the money needed to provide for my family! And I am working on a way to leave work earlier so I can spend more time with them. 

Crazy mom and grandmother

Yep that’s mine and a lot of other family’s. So lets get the show on the road with stories of the kind of some crazy things that mine are capable of.

My mother (bless her heart) is a little on the crazy side. She was an RN. My daughter is currently living with her with her 3 daughters and her girlfriend visits on the days she doesn’t work. It is a long distance relationship right now. Anyways my daughter is getting on her feet and staying with my mother and my mother has been asking a lot of questions about girl on girl intimacy and what that was all about. My married mother was getting into conversations with my daughter and her grand daughter about sex… and my daughter really doesn’t want to discuss sex with her grandmother. But she insists on the convos. My mother even goes into conversations with her girlfriend about this stuff. She gets uncomfortable with it too. My mother just met this girl about a month ago. But nothing is off limits for my mother. So my daughter is in the medical field as an aide. Her girlfriend is also in the medical field. Now mind you that nothing is off limits for my mother…heck she dropped her drawers (pants) for the UPS guy to show him the bruises on her legs…has asked my daughter to do things that yes aides and medical people do. But most people do not want to do these types of things to their able walking grandmother. My mother never texted and my daughter got a text actually several texts begging for help from my mother and when you get the text help from an older person that has fallen before that seem desperate and then doesn’t answer their phone you go to them. She pulls up and my mother is standing in the window of the kitchen sink rinsing off dishes. My daughter was thinking WTF. But went in to see what was going on. She was saying she was impacted and needed an enema… yes an enema. My daughter told her no but my mother grabbed her arm and begged her saying she was very ill and had to have one… to that happened…but that wasn’t enough… she then asked after that and nothing came of it to check her for an impaction.   And I am not kidding about that. An impaction is where you cannot go number 2 for too long. Anyways my daughter once again said no…but once again my mother begged like she wouldn’t live if my daughter did not do this… so of course my daughter obliged. But in the process my daughter tells her there is nothing impacted and my mother replies go deeper…LMAO…sorry but I cracked up laughing when my daughter told me this. She told my mother she could not go any deeper and that she was done. She left and that was it. It is sad that I had to have a conversation with my mother about the boundaries that she should have with her grand daughter. And with that she still didn’t get why but agreed to not cross that boundary again. So now she is asking her girlfriend. lol

That is just one example of my mothers antics. She doesn’t even know or realize what she is saying or doing. She is on so many medications that half the time she doesn’t even stay awake for a visit. She gets lucid for the doctors so they do not understand what we are saying when we try to tell them she is not herself 90% of the day. She has gotten a little better since her husband retired last October. But he still isn’t around as much as she would like. So it is starting to get worse again until my daughter moved in… there is no privacy in that house. My mother will go back at all times of the night and knock on their door until someone answers and then is like were you trying to sleep…I am sorry and would then continue to talk and talk and talk…I get she is lonely but her neediness makes everyone sneak out and everyone avoid coming over. Then she gets upset about that. And I have much much more. .. just stay tuned.

Hello, My Name is Kim Smith

Hello,

I am Kim Smith your average every day woman. I work hard for my money. I am a wife to my wonderful husband Ron. Although I didn’t get it right the first time. I didn’t give up. I have not had your run of the mill life. I am 48, on my 4th and 18 year strong marriage. I have 4 wonderful children. Although they each have given their own set of challenges I love them all very much. I have 5 wonderful grand daughters! I have an awesome  and challenging career managing a dry cleaners.

I was raised in a poor home with a step dad and step siblings. My step dad taught me how to work on cars and raise chickens and rabbits for food. He also taught me how to grow a garden, and fish. We went floating down the river for a week every summer sleeping on the river banks. Great memories. As a young adult I made one bad decision after another. But through those decisions I made I became a stronger person because I did not give up. I did not roll over and just sink into an oblivion of depression. Most people would have if they had gone through the what i have been through. I am a winner just because I never gave up and I persevered and came out the wonderful mentor and leader I am.

I want to thank all the people I have in my life right now. They are my support team and the reason I never gave up dispite all of the battles you are helping me win the war.

Now about the knowledge I can share with my readers and viewers.

I am the manager of a dry  cleaners. But in that process of getting to where I am I have learned every position there is in a dry cleaners. I can wait on a customer with finess and knowledge of that item. I can check in their item insuring it is directed in the correct area for the cleaning process needed for that item. I can prespot and clean any item that comes in the door and if I can’t I will let you know when you drop it off what the concerns I have with cleaning that item it. I can press any item that comes in the door from the standard shirt and pants to antique wedding dresses. I pressed the original dress Shirley Jones wore in the musical The Music Man when she came through Springfield on tour doing The Music Man with her son. It was very delicate being a dress from 1962 and not preserved as well as it could have been. In short I can work any position and clean or press just about anything you put in front of me. I have restored some antique and vintage items and well as saved items that had red wine spilled on them. Now that being said I cannot get every spot out of every item. I have failed to get some spots out. But through failures comes a learning experience. I learn and grow every day.

I also have knowledge from my time as a Detroit Metro Transit Police Officer. We were trained by the Detroit Metropolitan Police Academy. I come from small town  Missouri and was enforcing laws in big city Detroit. It was a major learning experience. I met a lot of wonderful people and had a ton of fun during my stay there.

I have also learned a lot about a lot of different things during my lifetime. I can do drywall… and I am quite good at it. I can work on an older model car as well as figure out how to work on current pieces of equipment if I need to.  I do sewing and have made some clothes and I have made some quilts. I can do anything that I put my mind to.

If you have a question for me just ask.  And I will do my best to answer it.